Art Gutierrez image credit
There is so much that has happened in this short holiday period in 2016. I had a successful season of parties. I was blessed with a bevy of unexpected bonuses which will carry me into the new year. I managed a sock and gloves giveaway for 100 persons that inspired not only myself, but many of my colleagues and friends. They seemed to revel in the opportunity to participate and had fun shopping and droppings items off to add to the bounty.
Holiday 2016 also brought my life to a screeching halt.i went to urgent care upon losing the sight in my left eye and was whisked to surgery 3 hours later to reverse a detached retina. After the 1st procedure proved ineffective, there was a pivot to a second strategy which totaled 6 hours in the OR. I am forced by circumstance to take time off and walking forward into an undetermined future.
An interesting side effect of a physical challenge are the psychological effects both immediate and delayed. What has been revealed are many desires as well as paranoias. This is the piece that inspires me to write today. 1) I have realized that my own nature is to procrastinate. I noticed floaters in my eye several months ago and kept putting off doing anything investigative about it. This lead directly to this emergency situation and my current predicament. 2) I am still only financially capable of handling what’s imperative today.i haven’t found the tenacity to be building a decent future for myself. I believe this is a by-product of self-esteem and shame-based trauma. 3) I have been working as a counselor with a homeless population and an opiate dependent culture for over 10 years.. It has been inspiring and exhausting. I want a change in my life. 4) I am in a situation currently that seems toxic to me. I seem to always be doing more and it’s never enough. I find myself torn between completing this cycle somehow, remaining fiscally fluid, and trusting the universe and making room for a larger shift in my world. I wonder ho all this may go. As is my nature, my restless energy wants to figure all of it out now and not bother with patience or experience. I googled an older New Years message from Pema Chödrön which put some fears to rest:
December 31, 2014 THE SIX WAYS OF COMPASSIONATE LIVING Generosity. Giving as a path of learning to let go. Discipline. Training in not causing harm in a way that is daring and flexible. Patience. Training in abiding with the restlessness of our energy and letting things evolve at their own speed. If waking up takes forever, still we go moment by moment, giving up all hope of fruition and enjoying the process. Joyful enthusiasm. Letting go of our perfectionism and connecting with the living quality of every moment. Meditation. Training in coming back to being right here with gentleness and precision. Prajna (or transcendent wisdom). Cultivating an open, inquiring mind.
“Seasons Of Love” by Donny Osmond
Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes Five hundred twenty-five thousand Moments so dear Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes How do you measure-measure a year
In daylights- in sunsets In midnights- in cups of coffee In inches- in miles In laughter- in strife
Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes How do you measure a year in the life
How about love How about love How about love Measure in love Seasons of love Seasons of love
Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes Five hundred twenty-five thousand Journeys to plan Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes How do you measure the life Of a woman or a man
In truth that she learns Or in times that he cried In bridges he burned Or the way that she dies
Its time now to sing out Though the story never ends Lets celebrate Remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love Remember the love Remember the love Measure in love Seasons of love Seasons of love
A blessed new year to you.